You get what you give, or at least you should….
For the most part, I like talking about sex. I always have. I am a lot more candid than most guys, and frankly have enjoyed a great many open conversations about it, especially with woman. And from these conversations I have learned a great deal, its amazing what a woman will tell you about sex, when they know you are genuinely just interested in talking about it, and not trying practise it on them.
Empirically one thing i have found, is that most couples are matched somewhat unevenly. I could hold up any number of stereo types here, ‘guys finishes and rolls over’, thats been around forever. Or that woman wants to be made love to, and men want to fuck. Even if these were largely true, it’s merely only indicative of a larger picture. And even if they are completely flawed as a lot of stereotyping invites, for the most part a lot of partnerships are uneven in many ways, but quite often in a sexual sense specifically. .I guess this relates to my settling post, but within a sexual context, often there is one person left wanting, left empty. Sex is ‘okay’, people continue as if this will do….it wont. And anyone can have more with their partner (well, for the most part) if they focus on giving, rather than receiving. The act of ensuring their needs are met, no matter what, will introduce an immediate paradigm shift for most people, and new dynamic will be evident. Some might do this on their partner’s birthday, Valentine’s day or whatever, but why the fuck would you not do it every day? Put your best friend before you, all the time, and see what happens…
Fucking or making love?
I want my woman to love me looking at her like she is the only person on earth I want to fuck. Well, I could say make love, but for me that is fucking, or at least one turns into the other, it all blends. It is in my mind purely a label. Sex is something I am no longer able to do without connection. And for a guy I guess that that is pretty weird, just as when I say making love is fucking – it is. But with that connection, it is also so much more, serene, fulfilling, intimate.
Why cant fucking be “intimate”? I mean what really is in a fucking name anyway? Pun somewhat intended. ‘Fucking’ for me is every bit as intimate as the definition ‘making love’ is for the average girl I have talked with. I learned a lot with my first love, there was a lot of trust there, and a lot of fun, but we were young, and the experience limited. I fucked everything that moved after my first love. Been there done that. Had fuck buddies, threesomes, drunk sex, drug sex, kink sex, the list and combinations goes on. In my past I could readily fuck without any real emotion or engagement at all, like I would imagine nearly every man. It was purely a physical experience for the most part. Accordingly is having sex without connection just fucking? Or is the pace of physical intimacy the dictator of such things? So if I fuck slow, is that making love? Enthusiasm I would offer has little to do with it, as that can be attributed to lust. “Making love” slowly doesn’t make it more affectionate, any more than fucking the shit out of your partner like your life depended on it makes it less.
What matters is that it is a genuinely affectionate, attentive, in the moment willingness to please. It really is offering yourself to the other person, and offering yourself, not just your body. It’s the antithesis of some quick doggy then rolling over. If you are exposing yourself intimately, in such as a way as you can easily get hurt, your risk a lot, but can receive and give disproportionately. If you can ‘feel’ the other person via some form of empathy, and chose your partner with care, you can develop a positive, unique open connectedness with them, something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Though this really requires something most people don’t do, and certainly not consistently, you put their needs first. If you are willing to put them above you, you can create the nucleus of something truly exceptional. And if you have otherwise chosen your partner carefully, the chances are they will see this effort, and immediately reciprocate. You build, over time, real trust, and real understanding – a connectivity that most people don’t have, and have never experienced. This sort of engagement transcends what most people call fucking, and I guess becomes what most would understand to be making love. You can take each other further. You build on the trust, engagement and fulfilment of the other increasingly, the act of doing so snowballs, it becomes fucking in a nearly spiritual sense. Yeah, I cant believe I would be saying that. I am living it.
Why the emphasis on fucking? Well, it is integral to the relationship. A relationship without any sort of physical intimate component is a friendship, is it not? Perhaps that is the view of a younger man, one who hasn’t aged over a lifetime with a partner or otherwise surpassed such intimate pleasures, sure. But for now, I am what I am – am sure i will move on to a yet deeper companionship later in life. For now, this is important to me, and important to my life. It is healthy, life giving, and provides a mechanism for uplifting many different aspects of a person and their life. And if there is one, it would be important to my soul too.
I have been on the other end of this scale. I previously came from a long term relationship that was broken, I was broken, I know what this is like, and it was devastating (yup, see other blog posts) After a time, the friendship wasn’t there, just the physical proximity, and the daily pleasantries, or perhaps not even them.. A long, difficult, taxing and all but loveless relationship, in time wore on me, stress and depression broke me sexually too for a time. I couldn’t fuck, couldn’t perform, there was no trust, zero desire, when I tried it just didn’t work, and so for the most part I just stopped.
As I matured more in my early 30’s, I found I need that connectedness, and without it, I no longer functioned. I found this in part by looking within, and partly just being me. I do tend to live in my head, which is part of it, though perhaps as a result of that relationship, I saw I needed trust. I needed someone who wanted to be open, and was willing to have fun failing. But when you have the opposite of what I am talking about here – as was evidenced in my previous partnership, it can and will yield the equal and opposite effect, crushing, my self-esteem smashed, bereft of trust and breeding isolation. Thank fuck I was able to move on. And if I can, anyone can. And move on I did, in a way that is the polar opposite. My life has often been about extremes, when I reject something, I moved with a single minded determined to the opposite. I wanted to find a girl that was mine, and finally I found her. She brings out the best in me, and now I can fuck, and fuck, and fuck. Broken no more, she calls me an animal.
If my girl has fun, I definitely will
So, after a barren existence, I have the most wonderful and suitable partner I could possibly imagine. And in every way this applies sexually too. I care about her immensely, I care if she is joyful, safe and fulfilled. I care about her sexually. I think of her and her happiness often. I am a talker, as with her I can talk about sex, talk about all of this. Have and meaningful discussion that is open and contributes to our sex lives, I am in some ways still like a curious boy. I cant leave well enough alone, and must keep trying for more.
Sex should be fun, intimate and open. I want her to experience immense pleasure, to be herself, relax and feel ecstasy in the most intense way. And to do so repeatedly – seriously the more the fucking better, I really do try to fuck her like each time might be my last, it never gets old. Another cliché for sure, but fuck it, its true – and I don’t even tell her. I want her to help her face any inhibitions, explore and grow, I want her to be as happy as anyone can make her. Hand in hand, together. She’s my girl after all.
Sex has become truly fulfilling and epic fun for me, as it is fun and fulfilling for her. I worked out what she likes, and I make sure she has it, and would happily give repeatedly without anything in return. I found out because I wanted to, it was important to me, and well, it was fun, the journey is life. She is my goddess, my own little Aphrodite, and treat her needs as requisite to any deities import. With selflessness, so much trust builds, walls come down and both people can lose their self-consciousness and secrets, and in this is – you get to somewhere new. And therein lies some of the connectedness I crave, and the near spiritual fulfilment that this affords both of us in our relationship. And here lies my inability to go back to ‘making love’, or fucking, or whatever you want to call it. Again, the name doesn’t matter, so if my girl insists I am a fucking animal now, and if I am going to label it, I’ll take that one
This stuff here isn’t for everyone, some will look on this as utter shit, or even at my past and feel the same, but, fuck them, I don’t care. Ignorance might be bliss, in which case everyone is happy. But there will be other people out there looking, and wondering if there is more, this is for them. I have seen what real, open and uninhibited sex with someone you truly desire and love can bring. It has affected me permanently. Now it feels false to not have that. Like my body is present, but my mind is not, I would just go back to being broken. For someone that lives in their head as I do, anything less just doesn’t work anymore – I know I am just not like other men. For better or worse, the two are joined in me now, one doesn’t work without the other, and so I am what I am. It might be a more intense, committed and risk prone path, but it isn’t settling sexually whatever it is. And all the good things that come from going down this road, are part of what makes life – the trust, affection and togetherness we build spills out, like a feedback loop, into every other part of our friendship, and she is my best friend.
Fuck I love my girl, and I love my relationship, and I love fucking her.
Fucking fuck yeah…