You get what you give, or at least you should….

For the most part, I like talking about sex. I always have. I am a lot more candid than most guys, and frankly have enjoyed a great many open conversations about it, especially with woman. And from these conversations I have learned a great deal, its amazing what a woman will tell you about sex, when they know you are genuinely just interested in talking about it, and not trying practise it on them.

Empirically one thing i have found, is that most couples are matched somewhat unevenly. I could hold up any number of stereo types here, ‘guys finishes and rolls over’, thats been around forever. Or that woman wants to be made love to, and men want to fuck. Even if these were largely true, it’s merely only indicative of a larger picture. And even if they are completely flawed as a lot of stereotyping invites, for the most part a lot of partnerships are uneven in many ways, but quite often in a sexual sense specifically. .I guess this relates to my settling post, but within a sexual context, often there is one person left wanting, left empty. Sex is ‘okay’, people continue as if this will do….it wont. And anyone can have more with their partner (well, for the most part) if they focus on giving, rather than receiving. The act of ensuring their needs are met, no matter what, will introduce an immediate paradigm shift for most people, and new dynamic will be evident. Some might do this on their partner’s birthday, Valentine’s day or whatever, but why the fuck would you not do it every day? Put your best friend before you, all the time, and see what happens…

Fucking or making love?

I want my woman to love me looking at her like she is the only person on earth I want to fuck. Well, I could say make love, but for me that is fucking, or at least one turns into the other, it all blends. It is in my mind purely a label. Sex is something I am no longer able to do without connection. And for a guy I guess that that is pretty weird, just as when I say making love is fucking – it is. But with that connection, it is also so much more, serene, fulfilling, intimate.

Why cant fucking be “intimate”? I mean what really is in a fucking name anyway? Pun somewhat intended. ‘Fucking’ for me is every bit as intimate as the definition ‘making love’ is for the average girl I have talked with. I learned a lot with my first love, there was a lot of trust there, and a lot of fun, but we were young, and the experience limited. I fucked everything that moved after my first love. Been there done that. Had fuck buddies, threesomes, drunk sex, drug sex, kink sex, the list and combinations goes on. In my past I could readily fuck without any real emotion or engagement at all, like I would imagine nearly every man. It was purely a physical experience for the most part. Accordingly is having sex without connection just fucking? Or is the pace of physical intimacy the dictator of such things? So if I fuck slow, is that making love? Enthusiasm I would offer has little to do with it, as that can be attributed to lust. “Making love” slowly doesn’t make it more affectionate, any more than fucking the shit out of your partner like your life depended on it makes it less.

What matters is that it is a genuinely affectionate, attentive, in the moment willingness to please. It really is offering yourself to the other person, and offering yourself, not just your body. It’s the antithesis of some quick doggy then rolling over. If you are exposing yourself intimately, in such as a way as you can easily get hurt, your risk a lot, but can receive and give disproportionately. If you can ‘feel’ the other person via some form of empathy, and chose your partner with care, you can develop a positive, unique open connectedness with them, something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Though this really requires something most people don’t do, and certainly not consistently, you put their needs first. If you are willing to put them above you, you can create the nucleus of something truly exceptional. And if you have otherwise chosen your partner carefully, the chances are they will see this effort, and immediately reciprocate. You build, over time, real trust, and real understanding – a connectivity that most people don’t have, and have never experienced. This sort of engagement transcends what most people call fucking, and I guess becomes what most would  understand to be making love. You can take each other further. You build on the trust, engagement and fulfilment of the other increasingly, the act of doing so snowballs, it becomes fucking in a nearly spiritual sense. Yeah, I cant believe I would be saying that. I am living it.

Why the emphasis on fucking? Well, it is integral to the relationship. A relationship without any sort of physical intimate component is a friendship, is it not? Perhaps that is the view of a younger man, one who hasn’t aged over a lifetime with a partner or otherwise surpassed such intimate pleasures, sure. But for now, I am what I am – am sure i will move on to a yet deeper companionship later in life. For now, this is important to me, and important to my life. It is healthy, life giving, and provides a mechanism for uplifting many different aspects of a person and their life. And if there is one, it would be important to my soul too.


I have been on the other end of this scale. I previously came from a long term relationship that was broken, I was broken, I know what this is like, and it was devastating (yup, see other blog posts) After a time, the friendship wasn’t there, just the physical proximity, and the daily pleasantries, or perhaps not even them.. A long, difficult, taxing and all but loveless relationship, in time wore on me, stress and depression broke me sexually too for a time. I couldn’t fuck, couldn’t perform, there was no trust, zero desire, when I tried it just didn’t work, and so for the most part I just stopped.

As I matured more in my early 30’s, I found I need that connectedness, and without it, I no longer functioned. I found this in part by looking within, and partly just being me. I do tend to live in my head, which is part of it, though perhaps as a result of that relationship, I saw I needed trust. I needed someone who wanted to be open, and was willing to have fun failing. But when you have the opposite of what I am talking about here – as was evidenced in my previous partnership, it can and will yield the equal and opposite effect, crushing, my self-esteem smashed, bereft of trust and breeding isolation. Thank fuck I was able to move on. And if I can, anyone can. And move on I did, in a way that is the polar opposite. My life has often been about extremes, when I reject something, I moved with a single minded determined to the opposite. I wanted to find a girl that was mine, and finally I found her. She brings out the best in me, and now I can fuck, and fuck, and fuck. Broken no more, she calls me an animal.

If my girl has fun, I definitely will

So, after a barren existence, I have the most wonderful and suitable partner I could possibly imagine. And in every way this applies sexually too. I care about her immensely, I care if she is joyful, safe and fulfilled. I care about her sexually. I think of her and her happiness often. I am a talker, as with her I can talk about sex, talk about all of this. Have and meaningful discussion that is open and contributes to our sex lives, I am in some ways still like a curious boy. I cant leave well enough alone, and must keep trying for more.


Sex should be fun, intimate and open. I want her to experience immense pleasure, to be herself, relax and feel ecstasy in the most intense way. And to do so repeatedly – seriously the more the fucking better, I really do try to fuck her like each time might be my last, it never gets old. Another cliché for sure, but fuck it, its true – and I don’t even tell her. I want her to help her face any inhibitions, explore and grow, I want her to be as happy as anyone can make her. Hand in hand, together. She’s my girl after all.

Sex has become truly fulfilling and epic fun for me, as it is fun and fulfilling for her. I worked out what she likes, and I make sure she has it, and would happily give repeatedly without anything in return. I found out because I wanted to, it was important to me, and well, it was fun, the journey is life. She is my goddess, my own little Aphrodite, and treat her needs as requisite to any deities import. With selflessness, so much trust builds, walls come down and both people can lose their self-consciousness and secrets, and in this is – you get to somewhere new. And therein lies some of the connectedness I crave, and the near spiritual fulfilment that this affords both of us in our relationship. And here lies my inability to go back to ‘making love’, or fucking, or whatever you want to call it. Again, the name doesn’t matter, so if my girl insists I am a fucking animal now, and if I am going to label it, I’ll take that one ;)

This stuff here isn’t for everyone, some will look on this as utter shit, or even at my past and feel the same, but, fuck them, I don’t care. Ignorance might be bliss, in which case everyone is happy. But there will be other people out there looking, and wondering if there is more, this is for them. I have seen what real, open and uninhibited sex with someone you truly desire and love can bring. It has affected me permanently. Now it feels false to not have that. Like my body is present, but my mind is not, I would just go back to being broken. For someone that lives in their head as I do, anything less just doesn’t work anymore – I know I am just not like other men. For better or worse, the two are joined in me now, one doesn’t work without the other, and so I am what I am. It might be a more intense, committed and risk prone path, but it isn’t settling sexually whatever it is. And all the good things that come from going down this road, are part of what makes life – the trust, affection and togetherness we build spills out, like a feedback loop, into every other part of our friendship, and she is my best friend.

Fuck I love my girl, and I love my relationship, and I love fucking her.

Fucking fuck yeah…

So to settle or not?


As we are shaped by our lives, families, experiences and everything else that makes us who we are , we develop expectations of what we want out of a relationship. Girls from what I have seen are unfortunately conditioned to make courting, marriage and a relationship disproportionately more important than it is for men. Walk down the aisle of a toys store, and see the sheer range of dolls that run with themes of marriage, housing, child rearing, wedding dresses and boyfriends. The emphasis on makeup, body image, and presentation, it doesn’t end…

Then the family and friends, the magazines, books and TV, all pushing the societal expectation to at some point settle down and raise a family.

Now I guess the same shit is slowly creeping into the world of men. Seems every day there is a new gym or skincare product for them every day. Its like the same shit is just, many many decades later, starting to hit them too.

Thank fuck this does seem to be slowly changing, and increasingly women, and men, are free to be gay, single, childless or whatever. Changing in the sense that society in a lot of ways allows as to be free of such expectations now, though such determinations often come at a price however. Going against the grain is always the harder path, I know this well, but at least most paths are well trodden by our predecessors now. Now we can at least make measured and informed choices.

So from an early age this shit is drummed into most of us, again more so women, and by the time we finally start to mix with members of the opposite sex (or the same, given your specific inclination), we already have a complex and diverse, even sometimes contradictory set of expectations for who we fall in love with – a veritable mine field.

But, as most of us know, life doesn’t work that predictably. You meet someone, they are funny, cute and engaging, hormones start flowing, you are excited, and more than often after the first time, people are escaping the fact they really don’t want to be alone, or possibly looking for a partner to in some way solve their problems, or ‘complete their life’ – so begins your first foray into a relationship, caught in the moment, previously expectations often be damned.

So we date, court and learn. We learn about relationships, ourselves and love. Then at some point reality hits, the honeymoon phase ends, as it always does. You start to more clearly see the person you are with, the rose coloured glasses are gone, and their quirks, failings and faults become increasingly apparent. After time we weigh up this reality with our expectations and try to make sense of what we have, or perhaps more strikingly, what we don’t have.

The first relationship for most fails, we grieve a little, and vow not to make the same mistakes again, and endeavor to move on. Sometimes we promise ourselves not to date a certain type, to take things slowly next time around, or whatever. Most of the time we simply get caught in the same flypaper we were the first time. We weren’t serious about what we wanted.

So with time and the inclination, experience and maturity, we start to form a mental list of must haves and must nots. We have to temper these ideals to the hormones and emotions that combat our common sense and logic when we meet the next potential partner. The emotions can take over, and in a way, whats the fun without them? But we have to try and consider this future partners suitability against the criteria we require for a sustainable relationship. As we all age, the impetus generally increases to partner up, and fear of being alone for the rest of your days starts to skew out mental list. We start to compromise.

Time is the enemy of us all. Given the aforementioned societal pressures, and the fact we are indeed social creatures, is it better to not find someone that will do? Someone that is at least fairly close to what we want? Someone who you can at least fuck occasionally, share the bills with, and talk to?

Fuck no.

I want more.

A lot more.

During and after a long, unhealthy, broken and exhausting relationship – I had a lot of time to consider such things.

I made poor choices, and paid dearly for them. Anyone who knows me knows this. My choices nearly broke me, but in turn, they reformed me. Given my tendency to look within, I hope to grow. I do appreciate some will feel that something is better than nothing. But when they get there, and years of ‘something’ are passing, is it really better?

In my mind, on balance, a relationship has to provide to both parties more than it takes. It has to allow both people to grow, to be truly honest with each other. To share their fears, goals and love, without reservation. To support each other selflessly, to pick each other up, to push for more, for the sum to be greater than its parts. To truly be best friends.

I have often been one to shun society’s expectations, and have repeatedly for better or worse gone against the grain – a reputation hard earned. Tradition for traditions sake? Fuck that. A mindset such as this, can make things harder, but does allow one to see relationships in new ways. If you can throw down all the bullshit shackles of others’ expectations, and get down to what you really want from someone, and what you can really provide them – then you have a shot at something so much more. In my mind then you are finally in a position to know what you really want. And without knowing that, how will you really ever see it when it is there, how would you know its in front of you, camouflaged in all those honeymoon derived hormonal emotions?

That really is the biggest chunk of the battle right there, most people don’t really know what they want. To know that, you really have to know yourself, which is something I have dealt with this in another post. Otherwise people list off all the typical shit, honesty, loyalty, genuine, funny, I mean, who doesn’t want a genuine, honest, funny and loyal partner? And a lot of people need more specific things, trust, patience, a good ear, affection, compassion. But a lot of us are willing to settle for a partner who isn’t. Everyone’s list is unique, and as we get older, it seems we become yet more willing to relegate items to the trash can.

Not me.

I tend to reflect, to look within. Indeed for a long time I did to the point of a fault, you can do this too much. But from this I was able to learn. And eventually transcend it to a degree, at least use it productively. Perhaps it is a byproduct from my unrelenting tenacity, something due to my past that without which I would have succumbed to lifes events long ago. I sometimes despair – sure, but I have so far forever embraced the “I wont quit attitude” even when I so don’t fucking want to. Which is the hardest time to do it, sometimes it seems like the only thing I do know.

As might be garnered from my other posts, I have been shaped by circumstance, part nature but mainly nurture, although I make plenty of mistakes, honour means everything to me. I am trapped by doing what I think is right, even at my personal expense. Sure I fall down at times, but the end result is I won’t deceive my integrity. I won’t sell out. I won’t settle. I just can’t anymore. I am quite prepared to live a life that embraces the alternative – to be alone. Don’t mistake that for some sort of self-pity, or reluctance to get involved from fear of getting hurt. I am perfectly willing and able to pursue happiness, but not at any price, and not for false happiness.

And with that commitment comes a certain empowering element. Resolve.

I have already made the decision, I am at one with my standpoint, I approach relationships a little differently now.

So if I cannot find the one, I will stay alone. For me now, given my history and my peculiar makeup, settling is abhorrent. The thought of being disingenuous to that degree to either myself, or indeed someone who is emotionally or romantically involved is hugely unsettling

Seeing couples sitting at dinner, or walking apart – like separate entities, is a little sad, sitting opposite each other in a restaurant, without talking. Only with the most minimal interaction, and mostly bereft of even a warm smile for their partner. They might well be strangers to the casual observer, only dining together indicates otherwise. Complacent, tired, and lacking that essential spirit and desire true love fosters and develops. This is where most people are after a certain point. Moreover, given one of my past relationships, even that would have been a highlight. How fucking sad was that.

I want my partner to look at me like I am the only man that matters. I want to see her just as she is, the most important woman on the planet. I want to grow, and be challenged and engaged by her, and her by me. I want to be pulled up when I am in error, I want to share all lifes joyous little moments (you know, the stuff life is about) and know I have the trust with her requisite to bearing my soul – that’s what matters. I want her to feel safe, needed and desired. To feel like no matter what life gives her, or how dark her world is, that I will be there, always. No doubt in her mind ever, that I am hers, and that she lights my life.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for the woman I love – she is my best friend, and life partner.

That means everything.


Fuck no.

Saturday Mornings

Late July I am sitting here next to my woman in bed on a Saturday morning. This is about the highlight of each week – I so fucking look forward to it

If we can afford a lazy Saturday morning, we both might start stirring from our slumber around seven or so, and start to touch each other. This often, but not always, leads to caressing, fondling, groping and making love.

There is something extra serene about this…it has a peaceful quality. As if time and expectations stand still – for a short time, there are no demands on us.  We lie with each other on late winter mornings, electric blanket beneath us, ceiling fan over head. That enviable mixture of warmth the bed (and each other affords) contrasting the light cooling breeze the fan provides. I appreciate birds, as some of you may have gathered, I can hear the vocalisations of various species – yes even the fucking crows in this instance – so much is my nirvana, calling and providing an unique soundtrack of sorts. The odd car drives past, the pool cleaning machine that is often reminiscent of a tree lopper shredding body parts (yeah, my sort of humour – dark), adds to what is, in my mind heaven

I am at peace. I have what to me is the most wonderful girl in the world, scantily clad, or just plain naked, beside me under the blanket.

More often than not she is cuddly, horny or both – one usually leads to the other. Every morning on the first touch I am consciously aware of she gets a ‘you are beautiful’ from me. It became habit, every time I see her I am aware of just how fucking lucky I am. Funny that I don’t believe in god, as no just god in their right mind would allow such a one-sided ledger. Nonetheless I turn to see her, and there she is, just fucking stunning. Awakening with her eyes still shut, with her hand wandering around my chest hair, or maybe her lips kissing my shoulder. Every minute is bliss, every touch joy, every word she utters, gold.

I simply haven’t met such tranquility in a very long time if ever. It is times like this that simply make life worth it.

She loves me, and I couldn’t ask for more.

The real choices – the ending of relationships

The real choices – the ending of relationships

Its funny, though natural, how one partner seems to always let go before the other. One is typically the instigator, the other not ready, or willing, or perhaps still in love, infatuated, dependent or just ignorant. Either way once the sands start to shift there is a mental snap of realization in the mind of the partner whom decides it is over, who knows it is over. Unless there is some form of symbiosis, co-dependency or abuse, this is usual the final death knell.

I guess in some ways it becomes easier once this has been achieved mentally, it’s the road that leads to this snap that can take lives, well, that can take the years off a person – which in a way is the same thing. I have seen people go from being ‘unhappy’ in a relationship to the point of a seemingly instant realization that it is really just over, that there is no going back and no salvation in a matter of days. But for most it takes weeks months or even years.


Years to finally realize that the person you are with is not right, this person you will not be happy with, you will not achieve your dreams with, you will be ‘fulfilled’ by. And I guess the time the realization takes is in a way a measure of the person, how readily one can understand that this person is not for you – it can only be attributed to experience, values and knowledge, an introspective self awareness. We can sit in hope that things will improve in an unhappy relationship, under the illusion that we can perhaps change our partner. And sure we can tweak what’s there with a willing participant, but fundamental, real change does not happen often, and when it does the catalyst required for such change I would offer typically necessitates huge upheaval. Sometimes it is the type of situation that is life changing, or life defining. Either way, it’s not a predictable, controllable element, and any belief in the ability to fundamentally or abruptly change another is insanity.

And I think in some ways this is lost on the average person, most especially our younger ones. They coax, prod and bribe, threaten, promise and use a whole range of tactics to try and sculpt their ideal visage out of a partner that is in their mind, perhaps close but not close enough, This is indeed problematic, as said, you simply cant change a person in normal circumstances, but then this attempt in itself is often indicative of someone that is unable to appreciate the reality that already exists, the person with them has already been made. By wanting to fundamentally change a partner, this in itself is an admission that they are not what you want, and by this admission, you would think one might start reflecting on what is missing, what is not there that is fundamentally necessary for you in a partner. But most often we don’t.

Instead of this introspection, people project their desires onto the other. Perhaps see their partner as a challenge, as clay to mold. They go through a range of behaviours and exercises designed to change what really cannot be changed, instead of using this realization for growth, and moving on. I have seen people lose most of their lives to living with a partner that is not ‘theirs’. A partner in most cases, that is not just a little short of ideal, but a lot. And bereft of introspection, without the clear embraced realization that this person is not for you, we can get trapped in this notion of changing the other. Like there is some compulsion to make this person ‘yours’. It cannot happen. The weeks, months and years will pass. And for a lot of us it unfortunately is years. We become complacent, and familiar, we tend to take the lazy and less scary path. We resign ourselves to the believing it’s easier, or better to uphold this façade rather than face the real choices such a realization demands.

So part of the battle is to see this when its there. To see when someone isn’t right for you, and as soon as that little light bulb goes off in your brain, suggesting you can do this or that to massage them into something they are not, the will to turn this fantasy on its head and fight on a different front. As this ‘changing’ of another is a battle you cannot win. But the war you can.

And this is often all that is needed in life to start to find what you really do want, what you really need from a relationship. Sometimes, well probably all the time, we have a whole host of preconceived notions about what a relationship is going to be, and what we think we want. It is not until we go through one that we start to really see what’s involved, and how shit works. Just like that old adage “the first love is always the hardest’. In some ways it is true, as I guess it’s true at the time. At first this may be due to young hormones and immaturity, but it is essentially because there is no point of reference. When you haven’t previously felt a real love, a sexual, partnership based love before, and the first time you see it, you taste it, and you lose it, you don’t have the prior experience telling you that everything is going to be okay, that life moves on and that you will love again. No point of reference to see the pattern. No, you lose your shit completely and your world darkens. But like every negative thing in life, if you so chose, you can migrate this into growth. Transform it into a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

After the first love, or your last love, or whatever, one needs time to just get over the shock, anger, devastation, sadness or whatever particular adjectives suits your unique experience. But once are over the fact you have thoroughly exhausted the relationships potential; it is over, you can start to take stock of what happened and re-form yourself, and re-evaluate. Avoid basking in the hurt of the relationship, it doesn’t really matter if someone fucked behind your back, or if you were shouted at, or you were neglected sexually, controlled, ignored or whatever. In some ways paradoxically this is good, the more obvious the better. What matters is what you saw. What you learned about yourself and the other person. There were indeed warning signs, there are always warning signs – and in some ways the clearer the warning signs the more easily we can learn. They are however not always bleeding obvious, it can take some separation, objectivity, some introspection to see them, to see them before they manifest into something destructive. This is the key; this is what you want to know. Afterwards, once you have been beaten and hurt, you know why it hurt and what you were missing, this really is one half of what you need to have a significantly better life – recognition.

There are in my mind two components for finding a real relationship, and avoiding bad ones, recognition and discipline -to see the signs within yourself and the other. To know and understand what is there, know if it is what you want or not, and just as importantly, the courage and discipline to act upon your discoveries.


Most change is slow, and we all change slowly over time – it is foolish to think anything else, akin to the landscape being molded by nature over a long period. It is imperceptible, except that one day you can turn around and the realization is there. Shit is different. And even in a healthy, loving and communicative relationship, over the years this can be a challenge to deal with.

But in a relationship that is not really all there to being with, and much more so for relationships that are even less, it wears and grinds on what is already lacking, snowballing. People don’t tend to naturally grow together – even with people that would otherwise naturally gravitate towards each other, this still takes work to ensure it is sustainable and healthy. And this over time this slow change can be a devastating contributor to loss of happiness between two people who aren’t already working together. More often than not, it creeps up on them, they are satisfied with the immediate delusion, and they are complacent – especially in the initial hormone infused honeymoon stage of a new partner. They assume consciously or otherwise things will get better over time, shit will ‘sort itself out’, even go as far as to suggest that marriage or kids will ‘bring us together’ and well, it never does – you paint over rust and what are you left with? Shit. Moreover, the latter is truly a terrible thing.

Another big challenge when you start to seriously assess what it is you need, is to be realistic. You cannot demand from another what you cannot provide to them yourself. Are you fair, I mean really and objectively fair? Can you be honest, yet tactful without holding back? Are you truly loyal, would you stand by your love no matter what, never betray them? In all honesty when push comes to shove, the majority of us would unflinchingly nominate these sorts of characteristics as traits we truly desire in partner. But by the same token, within the day to day relationship, a lot of us might shrink away from answering these questions in deed when it comes to our role with a partner, we hesitate – can you really always put them before yourself?  We are all stupid fucking humans after all, fallible and prone to making mistakes. But with that in mind, and some experience and objectivity, we can realize what we can actually provide to a partner, how far we are willing to go for them, and this is a reflection of how far we will go for ourselves. And in that is our baseline. We must temper our expectations of our partner to be, with what we can and will truly provide to them. There has to be balance, we cannot ask for what we cannot give. We would hope to mature over life, learn, increase out intellect, emotional intelligence and refine our morale code.

As we grow, we improve as individuals, our baseline lifts, and we can demand more.

But as we do, we must be mindful of what we want, and what we need, and the difference between them. Find the needs, the true thing we cannot live without. If this list is too long, how realistic are you being? If it’s too short, what does that say about your own worth?

The wants are nice, the needs are essential. And here needs are fundamental character traits, or at least that is exactly what they should be. I am not talking fancy cars, money, power or any of that shit, they aren’t needs. If that’s what you really want, what the fuck are you reading this blog for? But it can be fair to need a partner to be responsible with money for example, there is a difference. One is material possession, the other a character trait. Ditto with jealousy and possessiveness, is your partner just wanting reassurance, or tending towards the controlling? Are you interdependent, or codependent?

You need to know this shit.

It is the character traits that are fundamental to a person. It is these that form their core, their soul. It is these things that are hard to, and rarely change, and again certainly only change abruptly in extreme circumstances. And it is in these qualities that should form you ‘needs’.

And as stated, knowing what you don’t want is just as important, and here clearly character traits play the most important role. Violence, jealously, control, cheating and so on are all valid traits that might form the basis of a list people cannot accept. If they are on your list, and you can only attribute them to the basis of a persons character, then move the fuck on. Seriously. What the fuck are you doing?

This is the recognition. Once you see what is there, then you can make a choice. A real, informed, and life affirming choice.

So keep this checklist realistic. KNOW it. If you trust someone enough, show them, talk to them. Encourage them to do the same and compare with them. Get that reality check. Perhaps they can tell you if you are asking too much, not able to provide what you are asking, or missing something from either list that are not objective enough to include. This can make the biggest difference, very few of us are objective enough to do this ourselves, not at first

You only have this one life, do not fucking waste any more of it than you have to.

You have to recognize, not only in yourself and the other, the things you want, and just as importantly, the things you do not want.

Now with this information – what can you do?


At first, in the honeymoon phase, we all have metaphorical blinkers on. Without some prior experience, we are blinded, hormones raging and caught up in the whirlwind. But even then, most of us who have been around even a little while see the signs. Intuition kicks in, those little moments when we see someone for who they are. Its when we see those traits that set off alarm bells, raise the hair on the back of our necks, when their actions take you aback, this is where vigilance must be maintained. It is during this initial phase that we have a tendency to brush these aside, we cannot. That is not to say as soon as we see any given behaviour or characteristic we don’t like we run for the hills. But we can watch, talk, discuss, confront if needed. But we cannot ignore, as to do so is a disservice to you and the other. What’s there is there, explore as you please, but accept it.

Discipline is the meat and potatoes of this. It does take growth, experience and objectivity to see our desires and fears in ourselves and others, but to take action or the easy option? Can we make the real choice? To save your own live, and the life of another, simply don’t endlessly engage in a futile exercise in seeking fulfillment from someone who cannot provide it. This, fulfillment, is YOUR responsibility. The other person cannot provide it, they can contribute to it. Its not on them, it is only ever on you. The other person has a responsibility to live their life to their own code, to do what is right by themselves and others, and to a degree, the society or world in which they live. But they have no responsibility for your own happiness in the way that you do. Don’t for a second think this is their responsibility. If you are disciplined, and leave someone who isn’t not the right person for you – although hard, this can be hugely enlightening, it can be fucking empowering if you let it. It can and will improve your soul, your character. It will afford you a real freedom. Its gets easier with time, and it builds self esteem. As soon as you see the person is fundamentally not what you are seeking as a partner with which to share this one precious life you have, leave. And holy fuck, for most of us, does this take real discipline. After a world of loneliness, the touch of another, their caress, the sexual gratification and limited connectivity this offers is hugely enticing. But the long term potential for damage is huge. It will fail, and you know it will, as what you have found in this person is mutually exclusive to your closely scrutinized definition of what is right for you. Or perhaps worse, you will stay, and not make any choice. As you wont be there fully, nor allow yourself to be free and seek someone that is truly yours.

But if you and when find the right person. Someone who ticks the good boxes, the essential boxes, and avoids all the bad, crucial must not haves. Then this is the person with which you can be happy, with whom you can trust, grow and be there for. It will take work, and yes it is a fucking garden that needs tending – I never particularly liked that cliché, but it is apt nonetheless. But hopefully by now you know this, and more importantly will actually do something about it, proactively. You have to, and you can quit. To quit is to lose. Even with this person, as stated, you will both change over time, perhaps a glacial pace, but you will. The relationship needs to be re-evaluated, discussed, and truly embraced. And in doing this, you allow yourself to be fulfilled. As by doing this you have exorcised the shit, the unrealistic expectations, and the illusions. You can just be yourself, know that the person you have has what you need within themselves to allow you to achieve the most happiness you can. You can just be.

Recognize what is in you, and what you need. The few essential things you must have. Equally, the things you cannot accept. Those elements that to you are cancerous and poison.

And when you do, have the discipline to take action – do it. If you cannot bridge the gap between what your partner is, and what you really need. Leave. Make the real choice. It is the right thing for not only you, but for them. Doing so is a selfless, not a selfish act. It allows two people the opportunity to find partners with which they can attain as much happiness as this one life might allow. Perhaps now four people can be happy, instead of two burning what few precious years they have.

You only have one life – don’t fucking waste it


Fringes of the flock

The Little Corella is an indigenous parrot that in my case, frequents my local train station most mornings. A household across the road from the station avails these parrots and other species to a large bird bath and food. Parrots are intelligent and social creatures, they live in large flocks and enjoy long lives. Given their tendency to congregate in large families, their activities are largely a group affair. The flock might split up into smaller cliques to forage their favourite food spots during the day, but rarely are there less than half a dozen or so.

Watching them bath, drink and generally chat during this period is really me just witnessing their lives and their routine, and parrots like children love routine. They gather over the mass over power, phone and cable internet lines at this favourite house of theirs. There is an abundance of things to fly to and perch on provided by the station itself. When one watches them more closely, you can start to appreciate the individual dynamics within the larger flock. Parrots generally pair bond for life. When you start to look you see many, many cases of pairs, lovers in their own way, cleaning each other, feeding, playing and just being together.

Given my fascination and ownership of parrots, I find it engaging and somewhat peaceful to observe them in the mornings. However upon further scrutiny, behaviour that is somewhat anthropomorphic appears. One individual caught my eye, lets call him Bob. Bob swooped down to the bird bath, which seems to work on some sort of rotation scheme. There are only so many spots on the round white concrete amenity, and Corellas aren’t exactly very small. Much like a taxi rank, during peak hour when one bird has had a drink, or deemed themselves suitably bathed, they fly back up to the power lines to clean themselves, allowing this new spot to be identified by the queue of birds eying for such an opportunity. Bob saw his opportunity and swooped down.

Corellas 1_sml

Nearly immediately a nearby pair who had been engaging in mutual grooming turn to Bob, like his arrival had set of alarm of sorts. Immediately the two dropped of the line and launched themselves at him. Bob however seemed to be aware this was coming. Like a herbivore at a watering hole on the African savannah, Bob seemed acutely aware of potential threat.

Before this pair were halfway to him, Bob was scrambling to get back into the air, and was adeptly escorted back to the power lines by his new ‘friends’. It was noteworthy that neither the party that drove Bob off, nor any of the observing flock took Bobs spot at the bird bath. It was like it became a temporary disputed territory. What social convention had Bob broken to warrant such attention? Was he a naughty child ignoring the groups social or pecking order, perhaps he was perfectly entitled to his position, and this particular pair of Corellas were just being, well assholes. In the parrot world, both outcomes are equally valid

Perhaps I am leaning towards the latter. As after Bobs initial encouragement to give up his spot, the first pair continued their keen interest in harassing him. Off again they flew, landing on either side of his new perch on the power line, they immediately started closing in on him, again, like he knew what was coming, he was off, and so were they. Each time bob was driven slightly further away. After the third bombardment, another pair of Corellas deemed this current situation required their attention, and like the first immediately dropped their mutual grooming and took off after Bob

Bob flew to the train station across the road, right near where I was standing, away from the bulk of the flock, the four interdicting Corellas seemed to be increasingly incensed at Bobs efforts to evade them. Though the weight of numbers counted against him, and a couple of times he was cornered and given what seemed to be a decent nip. Having been repeated bitten by larger parrots, it is an unenviable position.  Further afield he went with each iteration, until some arbitrary level of shunning or distance have been achieved, then the efforts to harass Bob ended largely as quickly as they had started.

Corellas 2_sml

Parrots of this size are like very young children. They are quite intelligent, though unlike very young kids, develop quite complex social interactions and structures. Seeing Bob been driven out by a good distance from the rest of the flock by both pairs of his peers, highlighted further not only his physical separation, but, to anthropomorphize even more, his emotion distance. You could feel for this little guy, sitting by himself, he kept calling, perhaps to an individual, or the group itself, like an outcast pleading for another chance. You could see in his isolation the contrast the majority of the flock, which, although generally in one large bunch, upon closer inspection are really just a large group of pairs. These birds after all, are just like real couples, most have likely previously been parents, and like people in long term relationships, participate in the wide group culture, but within that context repeatedly defer to each others company.

And my tendency to anthropomorphize aside, these birds do have feelings. Not only seen in my empirical evidence, but now pretty well documented in other studies and bodies of work (see Alex the parrot for example). Oxxy, my Electus parrot gets sullen, angry, curious, happy, over-excited, aggressive etc – and these ranges of emotion are not just something that is plainly obvious to his favourite human, but to others whom might not have had any exposure to these larger birds.

Seeing Bob separated from the flock, having lost access to the bath, and seemingly calling to the group which turned its back on him at least for the moment, had me thinking about children given the obvious parallels. How many times has a playground, or household seen this same scenario played out over countless slight variations? The result is nearly always the same, one individual for whatever reason is rejected, and cast out. That being sad enough, I lament it’s precisely these times when the individual most needs the time and affection of the flock. Parrots unlike people, neither live in the past, or the future. Bob would have likely just flown back into the group a few minutes later, and the indiscretion would have been ‘forgotten’ by all.

Kids not so much. And given children do brood, with their little rational minds working over time, it can be difficult to get them to talk about what’s bothering them. Just like the complexity of the flocks social order, the childs’ relationships are equally diverse, increasingly so as they age. And without the experiences or maturity that adulthood and a life lived afford them, their thoughts are often mixed, irrational and not grounded by the reality check sharing with an emotionally sound adult provides. In extremes the rejection gets twisted, magnified, and sometimes clung to in way that’s almost carcinogenic, and can form a smothering mental symbiosis of sorts if left unchecked.

And children are also like parrots in their capacity to hide this. Parrots, when sick, hurt or injured are quite adept at camouflaging anything that might single them out as defenseless or otherwise indicate to a predator that they are easy meal. Without the close guidance and care of a loving adult, some kids are no different. They hide it, and the cancers grows.

So all this is indeed part of childhood, bullying, isolation and rejection are all elements of virtually everyones’ youth at some point. For most it’s like some unavoidable rite of passage on the way to adulthood. For most kids, they are at times both a victim and perpetrator, it’s all part of growing up, for better or worse. Most of if have seen it, some have support, some do not.

What really shits me though, is when the isolation is not a result another child, who suffers from all the angst, hormones, lack of maturity and emotional development etc that is often the cause of them lashing out at each other. That is, I lament when its caused by another fucking adult, whom for whatever reason never really either grew up, or got over their own inability to cope and grow. And its sometimes these same adults that project onto their children a maturity that they don’t themselves posses. Assuming that as they might not have had someone to help them during their own youthful rejections of this type, therefore their own kids should do so as some sort of misguided attempt at getting them to ‘toughen up’. Or perhaps they are aggrieved that this is an ongoing battle from which they would rather divert their time to their own pursuits, or maybe they just see in this situation and mirror into their own past that is too painful to face, or whatever. Does it matter? There can be a million ‘justifications’ for not assisting the child, but they are all bullshit. Kids only know what they have been shown and taught, and parents projecting a level of maturity on to them that they don’t possess is neglectful in the extreme. The whole point of being there for them is to try and help them grow, to be healthy, to give them every opportunity, to do what is fucking right. You only really get one shot at this.

Kids are work, real work, and the work never ends. Well, at least its that way for Parrots. They are entirely selfless. They don’t give a fuck if their chick is off colour, small, missing a leg, and eye. They don’t care if their partner is in a bad mood, got a cold, or sick. They simply step the fuck up. Always. Whatever is needed is done, and while they are able to breath and move, it will be so.

Yet as fucking sentient beings, we can’t do the same? Jealousies, laziness, immaturity, selfishness and a host of other fucking ‘reasons’ prevent kids from getting not only what they deserve, but what they need. Really, there is no fucking excuse. You do have only one shot at it, you cant afford to fuck the whole thing up. Don’t get me wrong, everyone fucks individual things up regularly, but I guess its just a matter of attitude and effort. We can after all make these choices. Its up to us to see when we have failed our kids and turn that into a lesson, where we can utilize any failures increasingly as weapons to prevent subsequent future lapses of judgement or effort. It really just is often a matter of choice. And when it is, do you chose yourself, or your child? Unfortunately so many fucking parents repeatedly chose the former…

Its frightening how many children are on the fringes of their flock. And as humans with the maturity and ability to rationalize our actions in the greater context of life, can we not match the selfless dedication of an avian parent with the cognitive ability of a fucking three year old child?

My first post, body piercings and identity..

Now, for someone with typically so much to fucking say, i have now seemingly no idea as to what the hell i am doing here. Perhaps bucket loads of caffeine will alleviate this problem. After all, real aficionados would measure their caffeine intake by the bucket, right?

So who the fuck am i? Well, that is something i still ask myself. So much of our lives, well perhaps just my life, was spent needlessly looking for, or trying to define myself.

I recently touched on piercings with my daughter – that, shock horror, got me thinking…

In my younger years, around the end of school and after, i went to the obvious low shelf solution and adorned my body with various flavours of what i thought was me. Given my tendency to lose myself in music, and it might well be added that i did indeed get lost. I naturally gravitated towards all things flannel, doc martin, and body piercings. I think you might know the time, the thrash metal and grunge inspired early 90′s. Even though i loved alternate and metal music, even within those genres i had eclectic tastes. You would just as likely hear my play Blister in the Sun by the Femmes on guitar as you would hear me play Anaesthesia on the bass, god bless Mr Cliff Burton. But i digress…

Accordingly my appearance, was perhaps as an ode to what i considered my idols. Well, perhaps not idols, but in a peculiar way family. I was sporting a strange semi dreadlocked mohawk that never stood up, dual nose rings, nipple ring (that got ripped out) and god knows how many earrings and the obligatory tattoos, i had found myself, had i not?

I hadn’t even finished year 12, so of course i knew fucking everything.

If only i could go back and kick my own arse…. Not because i dressed the way i did, or listened to who i loved. But because i somehow thought this idiot form of borderline cosplay was me. Somehow i felt naked without all this shit. Like a police officer without the authority that their uniform affords them, i felt compelled to be appear certain way, as if not donning this garb was inauthentic.

And therein lies an obvious problem. Not only to wrap ones identity up in what is really just complete bullshit, like trying to emulate some fucking metal poster, but then how do you escape that? After time you do feel like you become the image that this self imposed garb illustrates to the outside world. I guess if you do anything long enough you can trick yourself into thinking it is you. Or is it even a trick?

It has taken me a long time in life. Way too fucking long to realize that identity is indeed an illusion. I am no more my job now than i was the drug addled, thrash metal playing piss head i was all those years ago. Self worth is something that is too precious to tie to anything material, or a mental projection, and to do so is a slippery slope. But we all indeed do it, to one degree or another.

I live in my head an awful lot – like that fucking wheel the hamster just wont get off. Just my luck to have an immortal rodent with a penchant for eternal running in my brain. But then, would i like the alternative any better? I think not.

Perhaps it was a mind i couldn’t turn off that kept me from seeing what mattered. Not seeing the trees for the metaphorical fucking forest. I left all that physical adornment long ago, but what i found is that my mind could quite adeptly replace one form of ‘identity’ with another.

I had become a Carer. A (failed) parent. A network engineer, a university student, a teacher, a technological mechanic, a servant and mediator, a seer of systems and a wizard of sorts. All pulling my mind in different directions, all various incarnations of me. But of course none of them were.

I became stressed and burnt out (another long story). I felt like one of those vehicles in the middle east, the one some poor fuckers got blown to shit by – as some other fucker filled it with explosives to make a point, only to leave a blackened shell and not much else. Just a husk.

So to invoke a somewhat pathetic cliche, like the Phoenix, I did indeed rise from these ashes. Epiphany and all that. It is after all the worst of times that shape us most is it not?

But perhaps now I do know more. I know better now, perhaps now i do know myself.

I am not my relationship. I am not my job, or where I live, or my money (or lack), a product of my environment or my upbringing, and most importantly I am not my mind.

This was a fight i finally learned i could win by not fighting. My mind, as clever as it sometimes is, both clouded my vision for the longest time, but then finally allowed me to see. So indeed i didn’t see the paradox. My tendency towards appreciating the complex was my pair of metaphorical blinkers, my mind became my enemy. Somethings cant be seen with logic – i mean – its so naturally counter intuitive, who fucking knew?

Perhaps now it really is simple for once. I am me. Just me. All the other shit is meaningless. I am the man in this moment. The one who smiles at the people i love. Who lives to see them smile back. The man that tries to make peace with himself, to forgive himself. And to actually treasure all the little islands of joy that can be found on any given day, if you only just fucking stop to look.

I am learning to just be.

So for the longest time the search for myself didn’t end, as the way, and even the act, of conducting the search in essence was only ever going to be fruitless.

I would now offer that anyone can readily find themselves.

The trick is not to look.